Last Saturday I packed up my Christmas loot, loaded up my pup, and hit the road headed to a beautiful cabin in the northeast corner of WY for some time of solitude and reflection.
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| {i can't think of a single time that i have made this ~25 mile drive from Sundance to Devil's Tower without having my breath taken away by one view or another; so if you ever need a scenic drive through NE WY, check out Hwy 14} |
A bit of background: I quit my job in Wisconsin in order to be able to surprise my family for Christmas. 2012 was probably the most difficult year of my life... not my favorite way to round out my twenties. As such, I was doing a lot of reflecting and praying on what I should be doing to make 2013 one of the best years of my life. The last few months in particular, I had no margin for rest and growth. I was living an incredibly unsustainable lifestyle and it was taking a serious toll on my body and my overall well-being. Knowing that I needed to make some changes, and in response to a couple of significant catalysts, I just made a decision one day, gave notice at work, and decided I'd figure things out from there. Which brings us to now...
As I turned from the highway onto the winding gravel road, Sara Evan's "Restless" started playing on the radio. While I've always loved the song, it's never struck me quite like it did this day.
"What do you do, where do you go, when nowhere feels like home."
In all of my wildest dreams over the years I would have never imagined that I would ever be where I am today. Driving up to that cabin, I was terrified. I felt so aimless. I couldn't understand what God was doing in my life. I know that he's given me talents and abilities and passions, so what am I doing so wrong? Why can't I find my place in this world? Do I just need to suck it up and settle down? Millions of people the world over do just that and seem perfectly happy. They settle down. They work at jobs, some of them love their jobs, some of them hate their jobs, others just persevere out of indifference. I tried that. I genuinely tried to just stay put for awhile and it felt like I was biding away my life, wasting day after day with no real purpose.
Wake up.
Work.
Chores.
Homework.
School.
Sleep.
Repeat.
Hopeless.
It's not as though everything was completely miserable. I've been part of an incredible body of believers in Wisconsin and I love worshipping with them and sharing life there. I made efforts to get involved in different ways, to minister to people, to love people. I held onto the joy that I have in the Lord through each of these hopeless feeling days. Generally speaking, days were good. I enjoyed the people around me, I laughed, I worked hard, I celebrated a job well done. But there was constantly an underlying feeling of unrest, of feeling like there was something more. I genuinely believe that God has something more for me if I pursue Him.
...if I pursue Him.
There's more backstory here. Something happened four years ago. I had a bit of a disagreement with God. I made a bad decision. He let me know how He felt about said decision. I've been fighting with Him ever since then. Well, that might not be entirely true. For a solid three years I kind of just ignored Him. Then He started winning back my attention. He's pretty good at that when He decides it's time. That was this year. He's putting this restlessness in my heart because it's time. It's time for me to come back to Him, for me to rely on Him wholly, regardless of what it is that He has for me. It's time for me to stop fighting for what I so desperately want my life to look like and surrender again to what He has for me.
...if I pursue Him.
I don't know why He's given me this life of a wanderer.
But I choose to trust Him.
And I choose to pursue Him.
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{I'm liking up with The Hollie Rogue for the weekly "Tell Your Story" link up}
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